my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
