Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
