You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize