god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
