She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
