He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
