he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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