1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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