guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
