I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
