If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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