I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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