it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
