You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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