Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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