i think i have two assholes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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