two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
