Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
there's paper in my vomit.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
