this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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