all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
