Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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