did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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