Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
false alarm. still invincible.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
