Someone shit on the floor
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
