its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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