GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
