You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so let's talk penis.
Come see our sink grown plant.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
