Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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