If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
