naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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