Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
