Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
