If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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