last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
