There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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