I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
