My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
