Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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