remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
