that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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