Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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