it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
