Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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