I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
