just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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