connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize