Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
