Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
