Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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