I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
