I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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