You made me cry and you don't even care
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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