Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
