I'm lost and stupid without you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
