She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
