Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
