He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
