I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
