Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
