Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(915): View more from Texas

i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure

Fav 22 3840 1897
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?

Fav 17 5535 890
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(925): View more from California

I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

Fav 7 4188 1118
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(706): View more from Georgia

just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.

Fav 5 845 1976
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(847): View more from Illinois

The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today

Fav 7 3056 1276
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(615): View more from Tennessee

What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job

Fav 8 1579 903
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

Fav 8 2593 961
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(971): View more from Oregon

He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.

Fav 1 624 375
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(512): View more from Texas

If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.

Fav 1 61 12
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