I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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