I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
