The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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